nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
