No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
