my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Pants are for mortals
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize