Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
