Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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