So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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