How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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