If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
