Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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