im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
