Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
