when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
