i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
