I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
