I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
