I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
im six kinds of drunk right now
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
