He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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