$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
