guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
