Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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