It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you had me at cake vodka
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
