Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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