This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
