I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
