11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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