whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
