if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
