Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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