i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
