sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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