I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
