I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
