We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
