U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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