I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
