i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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