My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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