i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
