why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
