Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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