if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
