doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
