Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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