it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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