R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
