I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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