this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
