can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
