I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
