Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
