just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
