i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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