wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm passing your future prison.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
