Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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