just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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