I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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